Old Habits
by NettieC
Summary: After the coin toss San Diego was supposed to be the beginning of a new life together. However, old habits are very hard to break.


Disclaimer: all the usual. Written for the September 2013 HBX Challenge

Harmon Rabb wasn't happy. He wasn't happy in his work. He wasn't happy in his leisure and he certainly wasn't happy with his wife. Turning over in the empty bed, yet again, Harm thumped a fist into the pillow and tried to find some comfort; he failed. Looking up, he glanced at the red neon light emanating from the alarm clock. 1:56, four minutes since he last looked. Rolling over onto his back once more, Harm folded his arms behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. He couldn't help but wonder what Mac was doing right now. Was she asleep? Was she awake and thinking of him?

Shaking his head, Harm muttered under his breath. Despite the four star rating of the hotel, the expensive bed and bedding and temperature controlled room he was uncomfortable. Tossing his legs over the side of the kind sized bed, he sat up and looked into the darkness of the room and wondered if sleep would come any easier in his own bed, his own house. Walking over to the window, he pulled back the heavy burgundy drape and looked in the direction of his home. The home that they had fallen in love with the moment they saw it. The home they had lived in for three months. The home, which while it was their first home together, would most likely also be their forever home. The home which was only 7.53 miles away.

The previous night, after yet another heated argument, Mac had stormed into their bedroom and begun packing a small case. When Harm tried to stop her, she had given him an ultimatum. "Either I go or you go!" she had hissed. It was the last thing she had said to him. Not wanting her to go anywhere else, Harm grabbed his seabag and headed out the door, not bothering to say goodbye.

During the day, Mac had left two messages on his cell but he replied to neither. Angry that she had blown things out of proportion and then sent him packing, he didn't think she deserved a reply. And yet now, in the early hours, he wished he had of made some attempt to connect with her, despite it all he loved her. He loved her deeply, desperately and to utter distraction.

Grabbing his cell, he shuffled back in the bed and leant against the mountain of pillows. Rereading Mac's two messages, Harm thought about his response.  
'Harm, where did you go? Can you please call me?'  
'Ignoring me isn't helpful. Call me!'

Deciding to go for facts, Harm typed his message. 'I am at the Fountain Gate Hotel, room 732' and then hit send. Closing his eyes he rested his head against the wood behind him and waited. Almost instantly his cell vibrated in his hand.

'Thank you for replying. How are you?' was Mac's message and Harm frowned. It sounded quite formal.  
'Well, I'm texting you at 0200, so that should give you some indication.' After he hit send, Harm cringed; he didn't really want to antagonise Mac further.  
'How long will you be staying there?' she asked and Harm sighed, he really didn't have an answer.  
'I don't know,' he replied honestly. 'I guess until I have somewhere else to go.'  
'You could have come home,' she replied almost instantly.

Harm thought about his answer. He wanted it phrased right and in a manner which couldn't be misconstrued.  
'Harm?' came a second text, one which Harm could have sworn had a nervous vibe.  
'I wasn't sure that I was welcome' he typed honestly. Then it was his turn to wait. When no response was forthcoming he typed again. 'And I didn't want to make things worse.'  
'I was worried when you didn't reply to my texts today. Wasn't sure if I'd completely blown things between us,' she wrote and Harm could just see the tears in her eyes as he read it.  
'I wasn't in the right frame of mind to reply with anything constructive,' he replied truthfully. 'You said it was either you or me leaving and so I left to give you time and space but I was very, very angry.'  
'I know, and I'm sorry. Are you still angry with me?' she asked and Harm took a deep breath before tapping at the keys.  
'Yes.'

There was nothing for a few minutes and Harm took the opportunity to take a drink from his water bottle.  
'Oh, okay,' came the message. 'I can understand that.'  
'Can you?' he asked. 'Because I can't understand a damn thing about any of this.'  
'What do you mean?' she asked, needing him to clarify his thinking.  
'I came home in a bad mood, I admit, and didn't want to talk about it. You pushed and pushed and I explained that I was unhappy with work and a few other things and then you started yelling at me. Now, granted, I haven't been the easiest person to live with of late but I figured I'd get support rather than abuse from you,' he stated, deciding to be completely honest.  
'I'm sorry I reacted that way,' came Mac's reply. 'I know moving to SD with me and giving up your career has been hard on you, probably harder than I realised. I didn't mean to be unsupportive. I just...'  
'Just what?' Harm asked when the message stopped abruptly.  
'Things haven't been easy here for me either,' she stated, finally prepared to tell him the truth. 'I know I won the toss but nothing here is as I thought it would be. It was a huge honour to get this command, to be able to put this unit together but it's been nothing like I imagined and some days I hate it. I honestly hate it.'

Harm was taken aback. In the five months they had been in San Diego, Mac had discussed some of the difficulties in establishing the command, namely an operating budget much smaller than was necessary and personality conflicts amongst the personnel. Still, she had never been so negative about it and this concerned Harm greatly.

'Why didn't you say something?' he asked and waited.  
'Because I ... I didn't want to seem ungrateful. You'd given everything up for me and I didn't want you to think it was in vain. Didn't want you to regret the toss, the move, us ...well, anymore than you already regret it,' she said and Harm could feel the sadness wash off her text and over him.  
'I DO NOT regret the toss, the move and definitely NOT us. I LOVE YOU. I love you more than anything and above everything. The adjustment to life here is a small price to pay for a lifetime with you,' he wrote, tears streaming down his face.

Harm didn't need to see the clock to know the minutes were ticking by with no response.  
'Mac?' he typed nervously.  
"Mac?" he typed again when no reply was forthcoming.

A glance at the clock told him it had already gone three but he knew there was no way she had fallen asleep. Before he could form his next text there was a knock on his door. He knew without checking it would be Mac and threw open the door and wrapped her in a huge hug.

"I love you too," she managed tearfully when Harm stepped back and ushered her into the room. "I am so sorry about all of this...I really am," she said before falling into his embrace once more.  
"Why on earth didn't you tell me you were finding all this so hard?" he questioned, raising her face to meet his.  
"Why didn't you tell me things were so difficult for you?" she countered, as she raised a hand to caress his face.  
"Didn't want to put more pressure on you," he said brushing away her tears.  
"Ditto," she replied before sighing deeply and resting her forehead on his shoulder. "I shouldn't have let you leave. I just felt like I couldn't breathe."  
"I shouldn't have left," he replied, raking his fingers through her hair. "I promised myself the day we arrived here that I wouldn't repeat the mistakes of the past. That I would actually communicate with you and not let things escalate and get out of hand quickly as they have a tendency to do when it comes to us."  
"I made myself a similar promise," said Mac as Harm led her to the armchair and sat her across his lap. "We made so many mistakes on the east coast and I wanted the west coast to be a fresh start...a place where we were open and honest and not hiding from or protecting each other...and the first big major issue I go and revert back to old behaviours."  
"Me too," Harm concurred, drawing her closer. "Old habits die hard, don't they?"  
"They do," she said, resting her head against his. "We're going to have to be really aware of it, aren't we?"  
"We are," he said, kissing the side of her head. "When we were in DC, and on the outs, it hurt ... sometimes I thought it would kill me, but, compared to the last 30 odd hours, it was nothing but a minor bump. I cannot and will not lose you, Sarah," he hissed. "Not over jobs or living arrangements or anything else. There is nothing we can't work through and while we won't always agree, because, let's face it, it's us, I never want you to think, not even for a moment, that I don't love you."  
"I love you so much," Mac said framing his face with her hands before kissing him. "Always and forever." She kissed him again and again until the kiss took on a life of its own. Eventually, she pulled back slightly and rested her head on his. "Can you please come home now?"  
"I can," he confirmed without moving. "However," he continued and Mac froze. "I was thinking..." He stood and walked her backwards towards the bed. "That this is a big and comfortable bed and ..."  
"I like your thinking," she said, kicking off her shoes. "What time do you have to be up in the morning?" she asked as he unbuttoned her jacket.  
"I wasn't planning on going in," he replied, grinning when he discovered she was still wearing her pyjamas under her jacket. "You?"  
"Same," she replied, slipping out of her jacket and top. "Realised the most critical thing on my to do list was you... I meant as in working this out...but your suggestion has a lot of merit."  
"Well, lucky this place as late checkout," he said before kissing her briefly. "And room service."  
"I know this won't magically fix everything," she admitted as she stepped out of her pyjama bottoms. "But, god, it's been so long since we've made love...three weeks..."  
"25 days," he corrected gently. "25 days."  
"I've missed you very much," she said as she pulled off his tee. "Wish things could be simple and carefree for a while...like they were on our honeymoon."  
"Seven days of Jamaican bliss," he said stepping out of his boxers.  
"Not nearly long enough," she sighed as she slid into the bed climbed straight onto him. "There are so many demands on us and I just get overwhelmed," she admitted.  
"I do too," he agreed. "I would definitely like things to be a bit more relaxed for us..." He pushed the splayed fingers of one hand into her hair at the back of her head, before wrapping the other arm around her and resting his hand on her butt.  
"Well, since we now have a self imposed long weekend," she said, trying to keep her thoughts together as he sucked along her collarbone. "Perhaps we spend some time hiding out from the world and just concentrate on us."  
"Love the idea but you didn't bring anything with you," he reminded her.  
"I can get some toiletries from reception and that's all I need – that and you," she said, moaning softly as he nibbled on her earlobe.  
"No clothes?" he barely managed to ask.  
"Nope...won't be needing clothes..." she said and this time it was Harm's time to moan.

While Harm and Mac enjoyed the chance to get reacquainted in the early hours of Friday morning, they spent a large part of the day actually sitting down and discussing the issues they each had, albeit in the large spa. By Friday night, both agreed that the in depth conversation had been something long overdue and perhaps something they should have done prior to their wedding which had taken place only 17 days after the coin toss.

"Better late than never," Harm said with a sigh as he offered Mac one of the two fortune cookies which had come with their dinner delivery.  
"When all else seems to fail, smile for today and just love someone," Mac read before smiling. "Promise me that next time things seem to be on a downhill spiral we just stop and love each other."  
"I promise," he said kissing her quickly. "And will you promise me that the next time we fall out that there won't be an ultimatum about who leaves?"  
"I promise," she said, kissing him in return.

While the words were easy enough, both knew that there would be great challenges ahead. Both had to confront the difficulties of working in a job they didn't like, with people they didn't want to be around. Both had old, ingrained habits of running from or ignoring problems and the added burden of taking their frustrations out on each other.

However, life in San Diego was in its early stages for them. The challenges could be seen as opportunities, the difficulties as growth points. The good times could be seen as blessings while the difficult times could be seen as a chance to lean on each other and to strengthen their bond. No crystal ball was needed to predict things would get rocky at times, but, going forward, their resolve to communicate had been strengthened, and it needed to be. By fall there would be more than the two of them to consider. There would be a little bundle of pink who would forever more take priority above and beyond anything else and who would be a living reminder of promises made on a Friday night in a hotel not far from home.


End file.
